When the victim is someone you care about

Primary victims aren’t the only ones who suffer from abuse. Friends and family members of domestic violence victims are also trapped in a world of fear, concerned about the people they love and unable to stop the abuse.

Friends and family are not entirely helpless, however. There are things you can do to help an abuse victim.

• Believe her.

• Trust her to make the right choice. She knows her situation better than anyone, and if she chooses to stay with the abuser, she has reasons for doing that. Only she can know when she’s ready to leave.

• Stress safety. Help her create a safety plan for herself and the children. Make her aware that her computer and cell phone activity can be traced. Help her develop a signal, an escape route, or other plans of action to use in an emergency.

• Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault. She does not deserve it and she does not bring it on herself. Abusers alone are responsible for the harm they do.

• Stay in touch. Abusers often isolate their victims from anyone who may support or help the victim. She may feel pressured to stop visiting or calling you. If that is the case, you can still visit or call her. Knowing that you are there can make all the difference in her efforts to end the abuse, even though she may not tell you so.

• DO NOT tell the victim what to do. Remember — she already has someone trying to control her thoughts and actions. What she needs from you is support and understanding.

• Protect yourself. Never go into a situation that you believe may be dangerous.

The more you know about the dynamics of domestic violence, the more you will be able to help. Your local DV shelter almost certainly has training for volunteers and they will probably be happy to let you participate even if you don’t want to join their volunteer program.

To find the shelter nearest you, call the National DV Hotline :

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic violence is one small part of a greater culture of violence. If you want to make a difference, you can work to end all violence in whatever way is best suited to you — through donations, volunteering, or simply by eliminating violent acts and words from your own life.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. ~ Salvor Hardin

Crazy man-hating lesbians and hot air balloons

Abusers enjoy the fiction that advocates for domestic violence victims are on a mission to destroy the institution of marriage, or at the very least to emasculate all men. It’s part of the spiel, often followed by the phrase, “I’m the real victim here.”

I have to admit that some DV workers are lesbians. Some may be crazy. Happy now?

Man-haters? Certainly not. As one of my co-workers pointed out, by providing female victims of domestic violence with a safe place to stay, we are actually protecting the male abusers from any fatal measures of self-defense those victims might have otherwise been forced to take. (And we provide services to male victims of domestic violence, so that blows the man-hater theory right out of the water.)

But because we spend so much time with victims of and issues related to DV, we advocates are always on yellow alert for it. We know that. So when I first say the film of Richard Heene’s kicking-and-cursing tantrum, I said to myself, “He’s immature, but not necessarily a wife beater.”

You know the guy I mean. He was on some reality show, and last week he built a flying saucer-shaped helium balloon in his back yard. The balloon broke loose, Heene had a little fit, then the whole nation got involved when it appeared that a six-year-old child was in the runaway balloon. Thankfully the child was NOT in the balloon, but Heene and his family gleefully made the round of talk shows. The child, it was said, had been hiding in the attic because his dad had yelled at him.

Red flag number 1: The tantrum.

Red flag number 2: Dad’s temper is so nasty that the kid hid from him for hours.

Red flag number 3: When the six-year-old vomited during a television interview (not once, but twice!), neither parent moved to take care of him until an interviewer asked Mrs. Heene if she’d like to see to her son. Mrs. Heene’s bizarre response was, “Is that okay?” (Seriously? You need permission to take care of your sick child?)

Never having been a reality show star, I tried to give these people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps there’s some insider rule about not leaving the set until the cameras stop rolling. Perhaps Mr. Heene normally tends to the sick children and so Mrs. Heene didn’t feel called upon to do so. And perhaps Mr. Heene refrained from taking up that responsibility because … well, I’ve got nothing for that one.

The point is, I tried really hard to NOT label Richard Heene an abuser.

For the record, an Associated Press story indicates that not everyone is as broad-minded as I am: “We talked to her [Mrs. Heene] at length about domestic violence, about her safety, about her children’s safety,” the sheriff said. “We have a concern, but we didn’t have enough that would allow us or child protective services to physically take the kids from that environment.”

It’s not just me, is it?

When is it domestic violence?

There is a tendency to equate domestic violence with bruises and black eyes. Medical personnel know to look for such obvious signs, and most of us would be immediately suspicious if our friend wore black and blue every week.

Unfortunately a lot of victims of domestic violence also consider bruises the definitive definition, as well. If they aren’t being physically assaulted, it may never occur to them that they are victims of abuse.

Anyone who has survived emotional and verbal abuse, though, can tell you that beatings aren’t the only way abusers keep their victims in fear. In fact, it’s not uncommon for clients to say to me, “Sometimes I wish he would hit me! That wouldn’t hurt as much as what he says to me.” Because there is so much focus on the outward symptoms, we can forget that an attack on spirit and soul is every bit as dangerous as an attack with fists and weapons; and because a bruised soul can’t be documented in photographs, victims and others may ignore the damage.

Domestic violence is about power and control. Abusers are not people with anger management issues, or jealousy issues, or stress issues. They are weak and fearful people who try to control and intimidate others. Some of the ways they do this include:

• isolating the victim — not allowing her to visit family or friends or to go anywhere alone

• maintaining exclusive control over all money and household financial matters

• making all the decisions

• preventing the victim from learning to drive, going to school, getting a job, learning the dominant language of the culture in which s/he lives

• limiting freedom, ex. “Go to the store, get milk and come straight home. It should take you 15 minutes”

• insulting the victim, crushing her self-esteem, making fun of her/him, calling her/him names

• telling her/him “You’re crazy”

• using physical violence against pets; breaking things; throwing things; having tantrums

• threatening suicide

• coercing her/him into doing things s/he doesn’t want to do, often but not always involving sex acts or legally and ethically questionable acts

Anyone exposed to emotional and verbal torture for even a short length of time is a victim of abuse. Don’t kid yourself — it’s a serious problem and an omen of worse things to come.

Even if you don’t consider verbal and emotional abuse the real thing, even if you want to completely redefine the term ‘domestic violence,’ take note of what’s happening. No one deserves to be subjected to this sort of treatment. If you’re in a relationship with someone who uses these or similar tactics, I strongly encourage you to speak to an advocate. The National Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can put you in touch with a program near you.

Please don’t think you have to be bruised to be beaten.

Finding safety

Victims of domestic violence often believe that they are alone in the world, that no one would believe their stories, that there is no way out of the abusive relationship.

Batterers often isolate their victims from friends and family, sometimes from the entire world. Victims may be literally locked in their homes without transportation or telephones, with no way at all to communicate.

Other victims of violence appear to have all the freedom in the world — they attend church, hold jobs, socialize– and yet they, too, feel that they can’t escape the abuse.

The dynamics of domestic violence are more complicated than I can explain in a single blog entry, but the Women Are Safe website contains a lot of information that can clear up questions.

Here, though, is a simple but critical piece of information: Domestic violence shelter programs are bound by confidentiality. If you call the hotline number or speak to an advocate in person, everything that you say will be kept private. No details about you or your situation will be shared with anyone outside the program.

If you’re a victim, please call and talk to someone about your situation. Even if you don’t feel that you need shelter or support groups, just talking to an advocate on the crisis line may help you to better understand what is happening.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can put you in touch with the domestic violence shelter program nearest you:

1 -800 – 799 – SAFE (7233)

1- 800 – 787 – 3224 (TTY)

Who are the victims?

When Chris Brown beat Rhianna, many in the media started lumping this case together with Whitney Houston and Tina Turner. True, all three women are victims of domestic violence. Unfortunately, when the three black celebrities are mentioned in one breath, it suggests that victims of domestic violence are always black women — or that batterers are always black men.

So not true!

Domestic violence is an equal opportunity crime. Every culture, every ethnic and religious group reports DV assaults equally. I often hear people say that “it’s part of their culture — they just accept it” or “their religion makes it okay for men to beat women.”

Again, so not true. There is not a single valid religion or belief system that condones violence. Sadly, most cultures prefer to ignore violence against women because that’s easier for them than acknowledging they have flawed systems.

Domestic violence is everywhere. It’s all around you. The numbers say that 1 in 4 households experiences domestic violence on a regular basis. That’s a best estimate, of course, because not all incidents are reported. But here’s the thing — if there are 12 houses on your street …. well, do the math.

And before you console yourself with the notion that you don’t know anyone who is a victim or a perpetrator, remember — beating your spouse is not a spectator sport. The batterer doesn’t want it known because he (or she) is ashamed to admit that he (or she) can’t control his (or her) behavior. The victim’s reasons for keeping it hidden are numerous and complicated.

Then who, exactly, are the victims? Some of their names are listed on the website of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Please visit the site and remember their names….

“Growing up in a small Alaska town, domestic violence was that dirty little secret nobody talked about. We must start talking about it. For too long, we have been providing protection to the wrong people.”
–Sen. Lisa Murkowski, Alaska

“A friend of mine was married to an assistant church pastor who regularly beat her up. He was smart ‑- he’d do it in a way that the bruises didn’t show. For the longest time, she dealt with it. Who would believe the minister was a wife beater?! Meanwhile, my friend ‑- an attorney! ‑- suffered in silence.”
–Rep. Carolyn Maloney, New York

Quotes from Marie Claire

Why does she stay?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You’d think with all the stories in the news about intimate partners killing each other that we wouldn’t need any more awareness. And yet….

A lot of people do know the problem exists, but there are so many myths and misunderstandings surrounding domestic violence that the real answers get lost. (Let me point out that both women and men are victims of domestic violence. The thing is, the great majority of victims are women and so we use the feminine pronoun. It’s simpler, but it is certainly not intended to exclude men.)

Instead of asking Why doesn’t she leave?, the question we should be asking is Why doesn’t HE leave? As has been pointed out many times, until we hold the abuser responsible for his crime, no progress will be made.

But if you insist on knowing why she stays with him in spite of the injuries to her body, to her mind, to her soul, here’s the short version:

• She has nowhere else to go
• She has no money, no job, and no way to support herself and her children

• She fears he will take her children
• She has no support from family, friends, or church
• She believes she is over reacting to the violence

• She can’t believe that the man she loves would really hurt her
• She believes his apologies and his promises that it won’t happen again
  

• She believes his excuse that drugs and/or alcohol make him violent
  
• She believes his excuse that he loves her so much he just can’t help hitting her

All of these are very real and very good reasons in the mind of a victim of domestic violence for staying put. Her feelings and her situation are far more complicated than any outsider can understand or than she can explain.

There’s one very simple and understandable reason that she stays: Victims of domestic violence are far more likely to be killed after leaving the situation.

Domestic violence is about power and control. When an abuser senses that he has lost control of his victim, that his power is waning — that is, when she takes charge of her own life and leaves the violence behind– the abuser gets scared, angry, desperate. That’s when he presents the greatest danger to his victim.

It is pointless and heartless to ask why a victim doesn’t stop being a victim. Instead, let’s all ask How can I help?

For more information about domestic violence, please see the Women Are Safe website.

How green can I be?

I play this game called How Difficult Can I Make My Life. It started with becoming a vegetarian (definitely difficult in a small town where I am the only vegetarian within 60 miles)

Then I decided to oppose child slavery by giving up non-organic chocolate.

About a year ago it dawned on me that cosmetics are the most toxic things on earth, and so –with my usual plunge-into-deep-water approach– I switched to health and beauty items that don’t contain deadly chemicals.

It didn’t take me long to realize that products claiming to be ‘all natural’ are full of … well, full of something other than credibility. In order to be sure I’m not applying poison directly to my skin, I have to read the entire list of ingredients. I’ve also had to memorize certain suffixes (-mine, -glycol) and red flag words (petrolatum), because there are so many clever ways to say ‘this stuff will kill you’ and make it sound like a good thing.

Some of the products I’ve settled on are toothpaste from Tom’s of Maine and Milk and Honey Moisturizer from Burt’s Bees. I can actually find both of those locally. For almost every other organic product, I have to leave town.

I’m always on the lookout for more information, and I’ve just found a new source of easy info. There’s a blog, Presignify, that offers a list of Top Five Health and Beauty Companies Going Green.

Hain and Aubrey Organics both make this list. That’s reassuring, because I’ve used those. The Presignify post gives a little information about all five companies, but there’s not a long list of items those companies produce.  Instead, the post gives me links to the company sites so I can browse at leisure.

I don’t want to sound like Chicken Little or anything, but … do you have any idea what’s getting into your body through your skin? I’m not just trying to engage you in my game; I really care. Check into this issue and consider cleaning up your shampoo…..

It’s Read Banned Books Week

You know I can’t let this pass without comment.

The last week of September is when wise people remind us that the freedom to read, the freedom of access to information, the freedom to choose for ourselves is always in peril. This year Banned Books Week is September 26 through October 3, although I strongly suggest that you read banned books every chance you get throughout the year.

Authors who wish to increase sales of their books should try to have them banned. It garners great publicity for the title, generating larger sales and public attention. Several years ago when a school in Kentucky banned one of Kurt Vonnegut’s books, Mr. Vonnegut was smart enough to write a letter to the editor of that small town’s newspaper, thanking the school for contributing to an increase in awareness of his work as well as his royalties.

Despite the fact that Americans pride ourselves on our freedoms, we manage to censor (or make the attempt) a surprisingly large number of books for the most bizarre reasons.Here are a few of the books that have been banned in one place or another over the years:

• Farenheit 451 (a book about banning books)
• The Book Your Church Doesn’t Want You To Read
• The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (banned as recently as 2007, in Manchester, CT)
  
• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
• Civil Disobedience
  

• The American Heritage Dictionary
• Literature in Society
• And Tango Makes Three (banned in 2008, Loudon County, VA and Ankeny, IA)

• Beloved (banned in 2007 in Louisville, KY)
• The Freedom Writers Diary (banned in 2008 in Indianapolis, IN)
• Grendel (banned in 2008 in Sherwood, OR)

• Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (banned in 2009 in Beulah, ND)
• Song of Solomon (banned in 2009 in Shelby, MI)

This list barely scratches the surface. Thankfully the internet is not yet banned — well, in fact, it is in many places. But most of you will be able to access sites about banned books and actions you can take to stop the madness. You may want to start with these:
Banned Books Week : What You Can Do

Kids’ Right to Read

List of Banned Books

100 Banned Books

My own choice for Banned Books Week is that anarchistic classic Christine by Stephen King.

Dust, blowing in the wind

His head was bent in sorrow,

green scales fell like rain,

Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.

Without his life-long friend Puff could not be brave,

So Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.

It’s just a little rant this time

You’ve heard the tale and seen the replay more than once – Kanye West was rude to Taylor Swift. It was a big story on the local news, the national news, and even on BBC news. I don’t know which pet peeve to start with….

Lack of perspective: Chris Brown brutally assaulted Rhianna. His fans vowed support, and other celebrities offered their prayers and hopes that he would get counseling.

Kanye West was rude. His fans are deserting in droves, celebrities are bad-mouthing him on their blogs, and insiders are predicting that his career is over.

Brown commited a violent crime, folks. West failed etiquette class. Where’s the logic?

Lack of Al Sharpton: I haven’t heard anyone mention racism yet, so I’ll start it. Does the gap between the two incidents mentioned above suggest that we’ll accept a black man beating a black woman, but not a black man interrupting a white woman? Sure, it’s a huge stretch, but the question must be asked.

Lack of journalistic integrity: I know what’s being said about West’s behavior because the ‘news journalists’ are sharing comments from Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace. It’s just too darned much trouble to research a story and present the facts, so let’s fill an hour or two with opinions from random people who (judging by their messages) haven’t yet mastered the spelling of simple words. While ‘news programs’ in the West covered this huge story, Al Jazeera brought us up to date on tragic events that have significant impact on the world.

Lack of venue recognition: It’s the VMA awards. Isn’t there a requirement that at least one celebrity must engage in an outlandish, attention-getting act?

The bright spot: All this silliness and poor behavior allowed Beyoncé and Taylor Swift to show just how classy they are. Maybe, just maybe, impressionable fans of these two ladies will decide to emulate their mature, well-mannered actions. Then maybe some of them will become journalists. Real ones. Who cover important stories. With class.

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