Junk (mail) and stuff

You’ve probably already guessed that I’m a freak about recycling. Junk mail goes into the paper recycling bin, but he bin fills up far too quickly and most of the contents are JUST the junk mail that continues to arrive in my mailbox.

Recycling is good, reducing is better. For about a year, I amused myself by opening all those credit card offers, jotting ‘please remove me from your mailing list’ on them, then stuffing everything –including the envelope it arrived in– into the postage-paid return mailer and shipping it back. It’s a hobby, right? But I tired of it, and besides — there’s a ton of other junk mail that doesn’t come with its own pre-paid envelope and trees die to make it all.

I’ve just discovered a sorta cool solution to the junk mail invasion. A business called Green Dimes, started by a gent named Pankaj Shah offers to “pester these companies” that send you junk mail until they give up and go away.  (I imagine a room full of pit bulls chewing on junk-mailers legs. )That’s a good thing on its own, but there’s a bonus that really grabbed my attention — Green Dimes also plants a tree on your behalf every month.

Check out the interview with Jill from GreenDimes and see what you think. Meanwhile I’ll be in the laundry room, trying to squish down the pile in the recycling bin….

Knit one, purl two, help many

Now that DV Awareness Month, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are over with, I’ve had time to notice that the days are short and gloomy. And cold. That’s a signal that it’s time for my annual hibernation, during which I spend many hours on the sofa engaged in some pleasant indoor activity. This year I’m in the mood to knit. Unfortunately my family doesn’t appreciate my hand-made garments and it’s not much fun to knit for nothing.

My ungrateful offspring may have the luxury of dressing in commercially produced clothing, but not everyone is so lucky. With that in mind, I’ve chosen a couple of interesting charities to receive my knitted items. It makes the hobby even more enjoyable when I’m doing something to help others and it excuses my extravagant purchases of yarn when I think of them as donations to charity.

Some of you may want to get in on the fun, and so I’m listing here a few of the excellent programs that will help you do a good deed while indulging your passion for knitting, crocheting, or other creative textile-related endeavors. Please click on the program name to visit their websites, then read carefully so that you’ll know exactly what they need.

afghans for Afghans sends hand-knitted and crocheted blankets and sweaters, vests, hats, mittens, and socks to the beleaguered people of Afghanistan. Despite the name, they take items other than afghans, but they do require that all items be made from animal fiber.

Blankets for the Gulf provides warm covering for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. YES! The area is still trying to recover and they still need our help.

Hats for the Homeless are distributed  to those who seek assistance at St. Francis Xavier’s Soup Kitchen on West 15th Street in NYC.

Knit with Love provides items to homeless people, premature babies, and people going through cancer treatment.

The Mother Bear Project is dedicated to providing comfort and hope to children affected by HIV/AIDS in emerging nations, by giving them a gift of love in the form of a hand-knitted or crocheted bear.

Project Linus provides ‘love, a sense of security, warmth and comfort to children who are seriously ill, traumatized, or otherwise in need through the gifts of new, handmade blankets and afghans, lovingly created by volunteer “blanketeers.”’ (Our local chapter gives some of their beautiful blankies to the domestic violence shelter, and the kids in shelter are always delighted when they receive these!)

The Snuggles Project makes security blankets for animals in shelters. If you can’t adopt a shelter animal, here’s a great alternative way to help.

Socks for Soldiers is just that — a group that sends hand-knitted socks to soldiers stationed in the Middle East.

The Ships Project “sends handmade hats, slippers, and Cool-Ties to Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines deployed across the world in the War on Terror.”

Knit a Square is ideal for those of you who never quite get the large project finished.  Your knitted or crocheted squares are joined with others’ to make blankets for orphaned or abandoned children.

Warm Up America works much like Knit a Square –you can knit or crochet small sections and local volunteers will join them together.

Imagine it — we get to enjoy our hobby without feeling guilty and we’ll have made a real difference in the lives of people around the world. It’s a great way to pass the dismal months of winter.

You are cordially invited

I’ve mentioned Kiva.org in this blog before. It’s a wonderful organization that allows plain old working folks to make small loans for as little as $25 to help people start or increase their small businesses. No, a single loan of $25 won’t do the trick, but when several of us kick in, it adds up.

 

That high-energy do-gooder Mary Saums cleverly found a way to make helping even more fun than usual. She set up a team at Kiva, and we’re inviting you to join us. After much debate, we’ve come up with a name for our merry band — Peace-loving Bookchicks. Now who wouldn’t want to be associated with a group like that? And guys … we welcome book roosters, too.

 

As soon as you’ve joined the Chicks, you’ll want to check out the new movement at Idealist.org, too.The goal is to

• Make it easier for people and organizations to move from intentions to action.

• Connect people, organizations, and resources in every possible way.

• Find good ideas wherever they are, and distribute them as widely as possible.

Get all the details at www.Idealist.org/more

 

With Thanksgiving upon us, what better time could there be to show how thankful we are by giving a little? Anyone who has a job, a roof, health, or friends can offer something life-enhancing to others who are struggling.

 

 

Your mother wears army boots

After a month of DV awareness events, I was ready to focus on anything at all except violence. As if.The trouble with violence is that it’s everywhere, and we’re all infected. Talk about your pandemic!

 

A woman in the office next to mine mentioned that her five year old daughter (we’ll call her Lark)  is already having problems in school. She’s a bright child, very personable, and yet another little girl in her class is being mean to her. The mean girl calls Lark names, tells her she’s ugly, wishes her dead. Like most of us, Lark responds in kind. And thus violence breeds, starting out as verbal abuse and inevitably leading to physical assaults, emotional trauma, and who knows what other devastating ends?

Fortunately Lark’s mom caught on to this quickly and she came up with a strategy to help Lark deal with the mean little girl in a non-violent and effective way. Several times every day, Lark and her mom practice responding to the mean kid. It goes like this:

 

Mean Girl: You’re ugly.

Lark: I think you’re pretty.

Mean Girl: I wish you were dead!

Lark: I’m glad you’re alive.

It seems simple, doesn’t it? But think about how very, very effective it is. Just take the insult and turn it around. Everyone wants to be treated with kindness and respect, and very few people can resist being complimented. Practice is necessary, of course, because we all instinctively respond in kind. We have to train ourselves to meet cruelty with compassion. But does it work?

 

Well, yesterday Lark made the very mature decision to “make it a good day.” When the mean girl started her abusive behavior, Lark met every insult with the kind words she’d practiced. In the end, the mean girl gave up and went away, apparently uninterested in playing a one-sided game of abuse.

 

I’m nominating Lark’s mom for Mother of the Year and I’m nominating Lark for Role Model of the Year.

When the victim is someone you care about

Primary victims aren’t the only ones who suffer from abuse. Friends and family members of domestic violence victims are also trapped in a world of fear, concerned about the people they love and unable to stop the abuse.

Friends and family are not entirely helpless, however. There are things you can do to help an abuse victim.

• Believe her.

• Trust her to make the right choice. She knows her situation better than anyone, and if she chooses to stay with the abuser, she has reasons for doing that. Only she can know when she’s ready to leave.

• Stress safety. Help her create a safety plan for herself and the children. Make her aware that her computer and cell phone activity can be traced. Help her develop a signal, an escape route, or other plans of action to use in an emergency.

• Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault. She does not deserve it and she does not bring it on herself. Abusers alone are responsible for the harm they do.

• Stay in touch. Abusers often isolate their victims from anyone who may support or help the victim. She may feel pressured to stop visiting or calling you. If that is the case, you can still visit or call her. Knowing that you are there can make all the difference in her efforts to end the abuse, even though she may not tell you so.

• DO NOT tell the victim what to do. Remember — she already has someone trying to control her thoughts and actions. What she needs from you is support and understanding.

• Protect yourself. Never go into a situation that you believe may be dangerous.

The more you know about the dynamics of domestic violence, the more you will be able to help. Your local DV shelter almost certainly has training for volunteers and they will probably be happy to let you participate even if you don’t want to join their volunteer program.

To find the shelter nearest you, call the National DV Hotline :

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic violence is one small part of a greater culture of violence. If you want to make a difference, you can work to end all violence in whatever way is best suited to you — through donations, volunteering, or simply by eliminating violent acts and words from your own life.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. ~ Salvor Hardin

Crazy man-hating lesbians and hot air balloons

Abusers enjoy the fiction that advocates for domestic violence victims are on a mission to destroy the institution of marriage, or at the very least to emasculate all men. It’s part of the spiel, often followed by the phrase, “I’m the real victim here.”

I have to admit that some DV workers are lesbians. Some may be crazy. Happy now?

Man-haters? Certainly not. As one of my co-workers pointed out, by providing female victims of domestic violence with a safe place to stay, we are actually protecting the male abusers from any fatal measures of self-defense those victims might have otherwise been forced to take. (And we provide services to male victims of domestic violence, so that blows the man-hater theory right out of the water.)

But because we spend so much time with victims of and issues related to DV, we advocates are always on yellow alert for it. We know that. So when I first say the film of Richard Heene’s kicking-and-cursing tantrum, I said to myself, “He’s immature, but not necessarily a wife beater.”

You know the guy I mean. He was on some reality show, and last week he built a flying saucer-shaped helium balloon in his back yard. The balloon broke loose, Heene had a little fit, then the whole nation got involved when it appeared that a six-year-old child was in the runaway balloon. Thankfully the child was NOT in the balloon, but Heene and his family gleefully made the round of talk shows. The child, it was said, had been hiding in the attic because his dad had yelled at him.

Red flag number 1: The tantrum.

Red flag number 2: Dad’s temper is so nasty that the kid hid from him for hours.

Red flag number 3: When the six-year-old vomited during a television interview (not once, but twice!), neither parent moved to take care of him until an interviewer asked Mrs. Heene if she’d like to see to her son. Mrs. Heene’s bizarre response was, “Is that okay?” (Seriously? You need permission to take care of your sick child?)

Never having been a reality show star, I tried to give these people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps there’s some insider rule about not leaving the set until the cameras stop rolling. Perhaps Mr. Heene normally tends to the sick children and so Mrs. Heene didn’t feel called upon to do so. And perhaps Mr. Heene refrained from taking up that responsibility because … well, I’ve got nothing for that one.

The point is, I tried really hard to NOT label Richard Heene an abuser.

For the record, an Associated Press story indicates that not everyone is as broad-minded as I am: “We talked to her [Mrs. Heene] at length about domestic violence, about her safety, about her children’s safety,” the sheriff said. “We have a concern, but we didn’t have enough that would allow us or child protective services to physically take the kids from that environment.”

It’s not just me, is it?

When is it domestic violence?

There is a tendency to equate domestic violence with bruises and black eyes. Medical personnel know to look for such obvious signs, and most of us would be immediately suspicious if our friend wore black and blue every week.

Unfortunately a lot of victims of domestic violence also consider bruises the definitive definition, as well. If they aren’t being physically assaulted, it may never occur to them that they are victims of abuse.

Anyone who has survived emotional and verbal abuse, though, can tell you that beatings aren’t the only way abusers keep their victims in fear. In fact, it’s not uncommon for clients to say to me, “Sometimes I wish he would hit me! That wouldn’t hurt as much as what he says to me.” Because there is so much focus on the outward symptoms, we can forget that an attack on spirit and soul is every bit as dangerous as an attack with fists and weapons; and because a bruised soul can’t be documented in photographs, victims and others may ignore the damage.

Domestic violence is about power and control. Abusers are not people with anger management issues, or jealousy issues, or stress issues. They are weak and fearful people who try to control and intimidate others. Some of the ways they do this include:

• isolating the victim — not allowing her to visit family or friends or to go anywhere alone

• maintaining exclusive control over all money and household financial matters

• making all the decisions

• preventing the victim from learning to drive, going to school, getting a job, learning the dominant language of the culture in which s/he lives

• limiting freedom, ex. “Go to the store, get milk and come straight home. It should take you 15 minutes”

• insulting the victim, crushing her self-esteem, making fun of her/him, calling her/him names

• telling her/him “You’re crazy”

• using physical violence against pets; breaking things; throwing things; having tantrums

• threatening suicide

• coercing her/him into doing things s/he doesn’t want to do, often but not always involving sex acts or legally and ethically questionable acts

Anyone exposed to emotional and verbal torture for even a short length of time is a victim of abuse. Don’t kid yourself — it’s a serious problem and an omen of worse things to come.

Even if you don’t consider verbal and emotional abuse the real thing, even if you want to completely redefine the term ‘domestic violence,’ take note of what’s happening. No one deserves to be subjected to this sort of treatment. If you’re in a relationship with someone who uses these or similar tactics, I strongly encourage you to speak to an advocate. The National Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can put you in touch with a program near you.

Please don’t think you have to be bruised to be beaten.

Finding safety

Victims of domestic violence often believe that they are alone in the world, that no one would believe their stories, that there is no way out of the abusive relationship.

Batterers often isolate their victims from friends and family, sometimes from the entire world. Victims may be literally locked in their homes without transportation or telephones, with no way at all to communicate.

Other victims of violence appear to have all the freedom in the world — they attend church, hold jobs, socialize– and yet they, too, feel that they can’t escape the abuse.

The dynamics of domestic violence are more complicated than I can explain in a single blog entry, but the Women Are Safe website contains a lot of information that can clear up questions.

Here, though, is a simple but critical piece of information: Domestic violence shelter programs are bound by confidentiality. If you call the hotline number or speak to an advocate in person, everything that you say will be kept private. No details about you or your situation will be shared with anyone outside the program.

If you’re a victim, please call and talk to someone about your situation. Even if you don’t feel that you need shelter or support groups, just talking to an advocate on the crisis line may help you to better understand what is happening.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can put you in touch with the domestic violence shelter program nearest you:

1 -800 – 799 – SAFE (7233)

1- 800 – 787 – 3224 (TTY)

Who are the victims?

When Chris Brown beat Rhianna, many in the media started lumping this case together with Whitney Houston and Tina Turner. True, all three women are victims of domestic violence. Unfortunately, when the three black celebrities are mentioned in one breath, it suggests that victims of domestic violence are always black women — or that batterers are always black men.

So not true!

Domestic violence is an equal opportunity crime. Every culture, every ethnic and religious group reports DV assaults equally. I often hear people say that “it’s part of their culture — they just accept it” or “their religion makes it okay for men to beat women.”

Again, so not true. There is not a single valid religion or belief system that condones violence. Sadly, most cultures prefer to ignore violence against women because that’s easier for them than acknowledging they have flawed systems.

Domestic violence is everywhere. It’s all around you. The numbers say that 1 in 4 households experiences domestic violence on a regular basis. That’s a best estimate, of course, because not all incidents are reported. But here’s the thing — if there are 12 houses on your street …. well, do the math.

And before you console yourself with the notion that you don’t know anyone who is a victim or a perpetrator, remember — beating your spouse is not a spectator sport. The batterer doesn’t want it known because he (or she) is ashamed to admit that he (or she) can’t control his (or her) behavior. The victim’s reasons for keeping it hidden are numerous and complicated.

Then who, exactly, are the victims? Some of their names are listed on the website of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Please visit the site and remember their names….

“Growing up in a small Alaska town, domestic violence was that dirty little secret nobody talked about. We must start talking about it. For too long, we have been providing protection to the wrong people.”
–Sen. Lisa Murkowski, Alaska

“A friend of mine was married to an assistant church pastor who regularly beat her up. He was smart ‑- he’d do it in a way that the bruises didn’t show. For the longest time, she dealt with it. Who would believe the minister was a wife beater?! Meanwhile, my friend ‑- an attorney! ‑- suffered in silence.”
–Rep. Carolyn Maloney, New York

Quotes from Marie Claire

Why does she stay?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You’d think with all the stories in the news about intimate partners killing each other that we wouldn’t need any more awareness. And yet….

A lot of people do know the problem exists, but there are so many myths and misunderstandings surrounding domestic violence that the real answers get lost. (Let me point out that both women and men are victims of domestic violence. The thing is, the great majority of victims are women and so we use the feminine pronoun. It’s simpler, but it is certainly not intended to exclude men.)

Instead of asking Why doesn’t she leave?, the question we should be asking is Why doesn’t HE leave? As has been pointed out many times, until we hold the abuser responsible for his crime, no progress will be made.

But if you insist on knowing why she stays with him in spite of the injuries to her body, to her mind, to her soul, here’s the short version:

• She has nowhere else to go
• She has no money, no job, and no way to support herself and her children

• She fears he will take her children
• She has no support from family, friends, or church
• She believes she is over reacting to the violence

• She can’t believe that the man she loves would really hurt her
• She believes his apologies and his promises that it won’t happen again
  

• She believes his excuse that drugs and/or alcohol make him violent
  
• She believes his excuse that he loves her so much he just can’t help hitting her

All of these are very real and very good reasons in the mind of a victim of domestic violence for staying put. Her feelings and her situation are far more complicated than any outsider can understand or than she can explain.

There’s one very simple and understandable reason that she stays: Victims of domestic violence are far more likely to be killed after leaving the situation.

Domestic violence is about power and control. When an abuser senses that he has lost control of his victim, that his power is waning — that is, when she takes charge of her own life and leaves the violence behind– the abuser gets scared, angry, desperate. That’s when he presents the greatest danger to his victim.

It is pointless and heartless to ask why a victim doesn’t stop being a victim. Instead, let’s all ask How can I help?

For more information about domestic violence, please see the Women Are Safe website.