October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You’d think with all the stories in the news about intimate partners killing each other that we wouldn’t need any more awareness. And yet….
A lot of people do know the problem exists, but there are so many myths and misunderstandings surrounding domestic violence that the real answers get lost. (Let me point out that both women and men are victims of domestic violence. The thing is, the great majority of victims are women and so we use the feminine pronoun. It’s simpler, but it is certainly not intended to exclude men.)
Instead of asking Why doesn’t she leave?, the question we should be asking is Why doesn’t HE leave? As has been pointed out many times, until we hold the abuser responsible for his crime, no progress will be made.
But if you insist on knowing why she stays with him in spite of the injuries to her body, to her mind, to her soul, here’s the short version:
- She has nowhere else to go
- She has no money, no job, and no way to support herself and her children
- She fears he will take her children
- She has no support from family, friends, or church
- She believes she is over reacting to the violence
- She can’t believe that the man she loves would really hurt her
- She believes his apologies and his promises that it won’t happen again
- She believes his excuse that drugs and/or alcohol make him violent
- She believes his excuse that he loves her so much he just can’t help hitting her
All of these are very real and very good reasons in the mind of a victim of domestic violence for staying put. Her feelings and her situation are far more complicated than any outsider can understand or than she can explain.
There’s one very simple and understandable reason that she stays: Victims of domestic violence are far more likely to be killed after leaving the situation.
Domestic violence is about power and control. When an abuser senses that he has lost control of his victim, that his power is waning — that is, when she takes charge of her own life and leaves the violence behind– the abuser gets scared, angry, desperate. That’s when he presents the greatest danger to his victim.
It is pointless and heartless to ask why a victim doesn’t stop being a victim. Instead, let’s all ask How can I help?
For more information about domestic violence, please see the Women Are Safe website.
