There is a tendency to equate domestic violence with bruises and black eyes. Medical personnel know to look for such obvious signs, and most of us would be immediately suspicious if our friend wore black and blue every week.
Unfortunately a lot of victims of domestic violence also consider bruises the definitive definition, as well. If they aren’t being physically assaulted, it may never occur to them that they are victims of abuse.
Anyone who has survived emotional and verbal abuse, though, can tell you that beatings aren’t the only way abusers keep their victims in fear. In fact, it’s not uncommon for clients to say to me, “Sometimes I wish he would hit me! That wouldn’t hurt as much as what he says to me.” Because there is so much focus on the outward symptoms, we can forget that an attack on spirit and soul is every bit as dangerous as an attack with fists and weapons; and because a bruised soul can’t be documented in photographs, victims and others may ignore the damage.
Domestic violence is about power and control. Abusers are not people with anger management issues, or jealousy issues, or stress issues. They are weak and fearful people who try to control and intimidate others. Some of the ways they do this include:
- isolating the victim — not allowing her to visit family or friends or to go anywhere alone
- maintaining exclusive control over all money and household financial matters
- making all the decisions
- preventing the victim from learning to drive, going to school, getting a job, learning the dominant language of the culture in which s/he lives
- limiting freedom, ex. “Go to the store, get milk and come straight home. It should take you 15 minutes”
- insulting the victim, crushing her self-esteem, making fun of her/him, calling her/him names
- telling her/him “You’re crazy”
- using physical violence against pets; breaking things; throwing things; having tantrums
- threatening suicide
- coercing her/him into doing things s/he doesn’t want to do, often but not always involving sex acts or legally and ethically questionable acts
Anyone exposed to emotional and verbal torture for even a short length of time is a victim of abuse. Don’t kid yourself — it’s a serious problem and an omen of worse things to come.
Even if you don’t consider verbal and emotional abuse the real thing, even if you want to completely redefine the term ‘domestic violence,’ take note of what’s happening. No one deserves to be subjected to this sort of treatment. If you’re in a relationship with someone who uses these or similar tactics, I strongly encourage you to speak to an advocate. The National Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can put you in touch with a program near you.
Please don’t think you have to be bruised to be beaten.
